I ask for box number six to be opened...my fellow contestant the ridiculously jolly and enthusiastic middle age "Jenny" wishes me good luck and I sneer deeply as I barely conceal my bubbling contempt and to the absolute surprise of no-one, inside is another hour or so of acute frustration and rage inducing "entertainment".
This is deal or no deal a world in which its supreme leader ,Noel Edmund , preaches the virtues of positive thinking, cosmic ordering (his words) and friendship until his puffy face explodes which is coincidentally the only way of distracting the viewers from his god-awful shirts that rape my eyes with all the subtlety of Mr Blobby carving a turkey. Noel Edmunds claims the new age faith "Cosmic ordering" landed the show in his lap. The basis of this faith is that if you ask the Cosmo's for something you will get it. In which case I shall shout until Im blue in the face at the universe until Deal or no deal is removed from the face of it. The nature of it seems selfish and asks basically nothing in return. But I digress. Then there's the contestants themselves who I know more about by the end of each episode than I do some of friends.
My basic research on this topic led me to the deal or no deal wikipedia page which had this to say under the topic headline "Criticism"
"Further criticism has come with the selection of candidates, a majority of whom have had traumatic experiences in their lives. This has led to a perception that contestants are 'vetted' in this respect some to attract audiences and make them relate to the contestants."
This might go some way into explaining some of their mental states and more televised mood swings than 24 hours of Big brother. They wish each other well and compliment and say lovely things about each other that does little but slow down the process of "Picky boxy lucky lucky". Or they make the poor cult members..sorry ..contestants dress in seasonal costumes which bring about as much joy to me as the news that Jedward being possible flatmates would. I suppose my real beef with d.o.n.d is the idea that there is some kind of strategy that can be applied. Each decision is half chance and blind, simple, pure luck. There is talk from Noel and company of playing a certain "game". THERE IS NO GAME!. You pick a box and you get lucky or you don't. The only judgement comes from the moment when they gamble or leave with what they have got. The smart one's take the money and go. The risk takers get laughed at hard by me as they weep and sob into their open boxes.
Oh how they cry as they are embraced by whichever contestant was unlucky enough to reveal a unfavourable amount of money. Sure sometimes they get lucky and everyone participates in a veritable orgy of backslapping and handshaking and congratulations that would shame a bunch of M.P's. RING ..RING...who could that be? Its the banker, who is made out to be some unseen pantomime villain who's only goal in life is to stop the contestants taking more money out of his "bank". This is the opposite opinion of every other bank in the universe that would be glad to see us spiral into debt and not offer us some kind of halfway house settlement.
I realise that the show has a large following and its not shoved into my face in a prime time slot and I sound more bitter than a divorced pint of Guinness but they show has had a good run and it needs to go away now and bring back the harshness of a real game show, like the weakest link. Hell I would rather watch Bruce Forstyhe tap dance his way from 5-6pm everyday than witness another episode of Noels guide to cosmic ordering.
NO DEAL.
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